Why it’s so hard to put yourself in someone else’s shoes – and how you can learn it
“I would never have done that.” – “I just don’t understand it.” – “If I were in her position, I would …”
Do these thoughts sound familiar? They arise quickly – and often we don’t even notice that in that moment we’re not seeing the other person, but ourselves.
We think we understand – but we’re projecting our own experience onto others. And that’s exactly where many misunderstandings begin.
Why is it so hard to truly understand others?
Empathy – the ability to put yourself in other people’s shoes – sounds so natural. Yet in practice, it’s often surprisingly difficult to do. Many people fail not because they’re hard-hearted or selfish, but because they take themselves as the yardstick for the world – unconsciously, automatically, humanly.
That’s not a personal failure. It’s part of our psychological makeup – and at the same time an invitation to handle it more consciously.
1. Our brain loves its own perspective
Humans are creatures of habit – and that applies to the way we think, too. Our own experience is always available, always present. Taking on other perspectives costs energy. It means letting go of your own view – at least briefly – and mentally stepping into a different reality.
On top of that, our brain works with so-called mental shortcuts (heuristics) to make decisions quickly. One of these shortcuts is: “What’s true for me is probably true for others too.” Convenient – but often wrong.
2. Projecting yourself onto others: why it’s so common
Many people unconsciously project their own experience onto others. For example:
- “If I were sad, I would show it – so she can’t be sad, she’s smiling after all.”
- “I would never have quit that job – so it can’t have been that stressful for him.”
The problem: people are different. What’s right, logical or normal for you may not be true at all for someone else. Your own perception is a filter – not a window onto objective reality.
3. Empathy takes more than compassion
Empathy is often confused with pity. But empathy doesn’t mean you have to feel what the other person feels. It means you’re willing to understand the other person’s perspective – even when it’s foreign to you.
Empathy has two sides:
- Cognitive empathy: you understand intellectually how the other person is doing.
- Emotional empathy: you feel with them – without losing yourself.
Both can be learned. But both also need space, time and openness.
4. What stops us from being empathic
Motto: “Knowledge is power – and protection.”
- Strengths: analytical ability, independence, curiosity
- Challenge: withdrawal, emotional distance
- What we can learn: calm and reflection are valuable – but real life happens in connection.
5. How you can consciously strengthen your empathy
Empathy isn’t a fixed ability – it’s a muscle. You can train it. Here are a few ways:
🟢 Learn to listen consciously.
Not just the words, but also the tone, the expression, the pauses. Ask instead of assuming. Be curious.
🟢 Hold back your own thoughts.
Not every sentence needs an immediate opinion or piece of advice. Sometimes a simple “I hear you” is enough.
🟢 Observe your projections.
If something about others triggers you strongly – ask yourself: what does this have to do with me?
🟢 Engage with other people’s realities.
Read books, listen to podcasts, watch films from other people’s perspectives. Talk to people who think differently from you.
🟢 Cultivate compassion – including for yourself.
Those who become gentler with themselves often become gentler with others too.
Conclusion: the path to genuine connection
Empathy isn’t easy – but it’s the key to genuine relationships. When you stop projecting your own experience onto others, something new begins: you no longer see the person opposite you through your own lens, but recognise that they are a world of their own. And that’s exactly where the potential for deeper connection, understanding – and humanity lies.
Would you like to develop your empathy, self-reflection and relationship skills?
In my coaching, I support you in bringing your relationship with yourself and with others to a new, more conscious level.
Book your free introductory session now
