Parental burnout is a distinct, well-researched syndrome: exhaustion that comes from your role as a mother or father, not from your job. It is neither “burnout in the living room” nor automatically depression; studies of more than 3,400 people show this (Mikolajczak et al., 2020). Here you can read how to recognise it, why it matters in Switzerland in particular, where the line to doctors and therapy lies and what helps.
Exhausted – but not by work
“At the office I’m actually fine. At home I’m empty.” – “I love my children, but I can hardly bear them anymore.” – “I used to be a different mother, a different father. What happened to me?”
When we say “burnout”, most people think of the job. The WHO uses the term in exactly that way: in ICD-11, burn-out refers specifically to work and not to other areas of life (WHO, 2019). But there are people who function at work and who are at the end of their strength at home, in their role as mother or father. Research has its own term for this: parental burnout. Not a buzzword, but a studied syndrome with its own questionnaire and its own consequences. How classic, work-related burnout shows itself is explained in the article on what burnout is and what helps.
The four signs of parental burnout
Research on it has been shaped above all by Isabelle Roskam and Moïra Mikolajczak of the Université catholique de Louvain. In 2018 they published the Parental Burnout Assessment (PBA), a questionnaire of 23 statements. The statements come from the accounts of affected parents; the questionnaire was tested on 901 parents (Roskam, Brianda and Mikolajczak, 2018). It describes four dimensions:
- Exhaustion in the parental role: the mere thought of the day with the children makes you tired.
- Contrast with your former self: you no longer recognise yourself as a mother or father.
- Being fed up with the parental role: you’ve had enough – and keep going anyway.
- Emotional distancing: you still look after the children, but inside you’re no longer there.
Important: this is about the role, not about love. Those affected usually love their children as much as ever. That is exactly what makes the state so tormenting and so laden with shame.
You can use the four signs as a self-check, not as a diagnosis. Am I exhausted by the role? Do I no longer recognise myself? Have I had enough? Am I absent inside? If you answer “yes, for weeks” more than once, that is the moment to talk to someone – not the moment to push through even harder.
Parental burnout, job burnout or depression?
Is this simply burnout at home, or is it depression? The data say: neither. In 2020, Mikolajczak and colleagues showed in two studies with a combined 3,482 people that parental burnout, job burnout and depressive symptoms load on statistically separate factors (Mikolajczak et al., 2020). All three share some consequences: sleep problems, more problematic drinking, physical complaints. But parental burnout has consequences of its own, namely neglect of the children and violence in parenting.
The most important everyday difference from depression: in parental burnout the exhaustion stays tied to one area of life. In depression everything takes on the same grey, including work, friendships and the things you used to enjoy.
Not the same, but closely related, is the mental load: the invisible thinking and planning work around family and household. Mental load is a demand; parental burnout is the syndrome that can develop when such demands outweigh everything else for a long time. More on this in the article on the mental load.
How common is parental burnout in Switzerland?
In 2021 a study of 17,409 parents from 42 countries was published (Roskam et al., 2021). Prevalence varied enormously: from practically zero in countries such as Cuba, Pakistan or Thailand to around 9 to 10 per cent in Belgium, Poland and the USA. Switzerland, at around 7 per cent, was in the upper range. As a rule of thumb, the authors now give around 5 per cent of parents, and up to 8 to 10 per cent in some Western countries (Roskam and Mikolajczak, 2023).
The most interesting finding concerns the why. Not the number or age of the children, not the hours spent with them and not the economic differences between countries best explained the differences, but the individualism of a culture. Where parenting is regarded as a private project to be managed alone and as perfectly as possible, more parents burn out. In cultures where children are seen more as a matter for the whole family and community, parental burnout was far less common. So parental burnout has less to do with personal weakness than with the environment parents live in today.
Risk factors: perfectionism and missing resources
A Finnish study of 1,725 parents found the strongest link with socially prescribed perfectionism: the conviction that others expect perfect parenting from you (Sorkkila and Aunola, 2020). The parent’s age, unemployment, a family financial situation perceived as poor and having a child with special needs were also linked to parental burnout. How perfectionism can drive you and wear you down at the same time is the subject of Perfectionism: Curse or Blessing?.
Mothers, fathers – and a cliché
Mothers report higher scores on average than fathers. In the Finnish study this difference ran via perfectionism: mothers reported more of it, and that explained the difference in burnout. So it is not down to “female emotionality”, but to what sticks to mothers and what is expected of them.
Fathers are not spared. In 2020, Roskam and Mikolajczak compared around 900 carefully matched mothers and fathers (Roskam and Mikolajczak, 2020). The mechanism – demands outweighing resources – was the same for both. But fathers were more vulnerable to this imbalance, and the consequences of burnout were more serious for them.
Why parental burnout needs to be taken seriously
In a survey of 1,551 parents, parental burnout was specifically linked to thoughts of escape and suicide, to neglect and to violence towards the children; job burnout had hardly any of these consequences for the children (Mikolajczak et al., 2018). Two longitudinal studies with three surveys within one year confirmed this: parental burnout increases the wish to simply walk away, as well as neglect and violence (Mikolajczak, Gross and Roskam, 2019). Burnout and neglect reinforced each other.
That does not mean exhausted parents are bad parents. It means exhaustion is a risk, for parents and children, and that taking care of it is not a luxury. Moïra Mikolajczak put it like this: if you want to do the right thing too much, you can end up doing the wrong thing (Association for Psychological Science, 2019).
Where the line to doctors and therapy runs
Coaching is not therapy and does not diagnose. It is there for prevention and the grey zone, not for emergencies. If you are not well, your GP is the first point of contact. Please get help at once if:
- you have thoughts of harming yourself or your child. Then the route is short: 144 (emergency), 143 (Die Dargebotene Hand, around the clock) or the Elternnotruf on 0848 35 45 55 (around the clock, confidential and free of charge, when being a parent overwhelms you). For children and young people themselves there is 147 (Pro Juventute).
- neglect or violence has already occurred. Getting help is then not an admission but protection – for everyone.
Have it checked by a doctor if:
- the exhaustion doesn’t stay with the parental role but colours everything grey: lack of drive, loss of interest, sleep or appetite problems over weeks. That may be depression and belongs with a GP, psychiatrist or psychotherapist. Since 1 July 2022, Swiss basic health insurance has covered psychotherapy with psychological psychotherapists when a doctor orders it (FOPH).
- the symptoms appear around a birth. Postpartum depression affects around 15 per cent of mothers and 9 per cent of fathers. It can begin during pregnancy or only months after the birth (Canton of Basel-Stadt). It is treatable, but it needs a diagnosis, not a coach.
Who is responsible for what in Switzerland is set out in the article on who helps when in Switzerland. How coaching and therapy complement each other: coaching or therapy?.
What helps: the balance between demands and resources
Roskam and Mikolajczak describe parental burnout with a balance model: it arises when demands outweigh resources over a longer period (Mikolajczak and Roskam, 2018). On the demand side are things like perfectionism, a lack of support from the other parent or from outside, and a flood of duties. On the resource side are self-compassion, time for recovery, good co-parenting and support from outside.
The practical comfort in that: you don’t have to magic away the biggest demand. If a demand cannot be changed, enough resources can offset it, and according to the model reducing several small demands works much like reducing one large one. Intervention studies still have to show more precisely how well this works in practice, but the direction is clear. That is exactly what we work on in coaching:
- Checking your standards. Which standards are mine – and which have I taken over from Instagram, the in-laws or the parents’ group chat? What would be “good enough”?
- Drawing boundaries. Including with your own children, the club and the family.
- Asking for help. Concretely, not as a sigh. Who could take over what – and what stops me from asking?
- Self-compassion instead of self-condemnation. In the balance model it sits explicitly on the resource side.
If you want to know how strongly stress, anxiety and low mood are weighing on you right now, the free stress test (DASS-21) with 21 statements can help. It does not measure parental burnout and is not a diagnosis, but it is a good starting point for a conversation.
Conclusion
Parental burnout is real, measurable and distinguishable from job burnout and depression. It particularly affects parents in individualistic societies with high standards, often adopted from outside – which includes many in Switzerland. Mothers report it more often, fathers sometimes react more severely. The good news is built into the model: shift the scales between demands and resources even a little, and something changes. Nobody has to become a perfect parent for that – just a slightly less lonely one.
Are you at your limit at home?
In coaching for exhaustion, not only job-related, we look together at what sits on your demand side, what is missing on your resource side and which first, realistic step tips the scales in your direction. It starts with a free introductory session.
Your progress is my joy.