Tired, even though you «didn’t really do that much»
„I lie in bed and run through the week in my head: dentist, gym bag, present for my mother-in-law.“ – „He does help when I tell him. But I have to tell him.“ – „If it’s not in my head, it’s in nobody’s head.“
There is a kind of work that never shows up on any timesheet and yet runs all day long: keeping track. Whoever remembers that the nappies are running out and that the parents’ evening is coming up is working – even while apparently doing nothing on the sofa. The name for it: mental load.
What mental load is – and what it isn’t
The term is older than the trend: sociologist Monique Haicault described the «charge mentale» in 1984; it became widely known in 2017 through the comic «Fallait demander» («You should’ve asked») by the illustrator Emma.
The sharpest academic definition comes from sociologist Allison Daminger («The Cognitive Dimension of Household Labor», American Sociological Review, 2019). She interviewed 35 couples and broke cognitive household labour down into four steps: anticipating (what will be needed?), identifying options, deciding and monitoring (is it done?). Her finding: when it came to deciding, the couples were surprisingly equal. Anticipating and monitoring – the parts that never stop – fell mostly to the women.
A team around Liz Dean (2022) adds the emotional side: sensing how everyone is doing, feeling ahead. Only thinking and feeling together turn the work into a load – and three characteristics explain why it is so tiring: mental load is invisible (it happens inside your head), boundaryless (it comes with you to the office and to bed) and never finished (caring about people has no end point).
Important: mental load is not a diagnosis and not a personality trait, but a distribution of roles – and roles can be changed.
The Swiss numbers
That this role is not distributed randomly is shown by the Federal Statistical Office. In the 2023 Families and Generations Survey, people were asked who in the household mainly organises everyday activities – setting appointments, remembering appointments. In households with children, 65 percent answer: the woman, 32 percent: both, 3 percent: the man. For housework overall, the woman is mainly responsible in 56 percent of couple households with children.
The 2024 Swiss Labour Force Survey (SAKE) shows the same picture in hours: women do 61 percent of their total working time unpaid, men 42 percent. In couple households with a child under seven, mothers spend around 63 hours per week on housework and family care, fathers around 40 – on top of paid work, mind you.
What that costs is measurable: a study in Archives of Women’s Mental Health (2024) with 322 mothers of young children found that the mothers carried around 73 percent of the cognitive labour – and that precisely this invisible share was linked to more stress, exhaustion, depressive symptoms and lower relationship satisfaction. Visible, physical housework did not have this effect on mental health.
Why this is not «women versus men»
It would be easy to name a culprit here. But mental load is a system that both sides maintain – usually without intending to.
One side keeps track because they learned to, because they notice what is missing, and because they cannot bear it when things are left undone. They delegate – and then check up, correct, «just quickly do it themselves». The other side is happy to help when asked, and waits to be asked. They do not see the task, because they have never had to see it. Both are exhausted: one from carrying, the other from the feeling of never getting it right.
This is exactly where mental load touches topics you may know from other posts: people-pleasing – because «I’ll just do it» is often easier than a conflict. And setting boundaries without guilt – because handing something over means tolerating that it gets done differently from how it looks in your own head.
How to recognise it in yourself
- You are tired in the evening – and can’t say from what.
- You «delegate» and notice that afterwards you are still keeping an eye on everything.
- You have a list in your head that nobody else knows – and if you were ill, nobody would know what is on it.
- You feel irritable towards people you love, without anything concrete having happened.
If you recognise yourself here: resentment is the normal consequence – not a sign that you are ungrateful or difficult.
What coaching can do here
Make it visible. What is in your head cannot be shared. That is why coaching often begins with an inventory: what am I keeping track of – really all of it? Seeing it in black and white, people understand for the first time why they are tired. And the partner usually sees it for the first time, too.
Sort out standards. Part of the load is genuine needs (the child needs shoes that fit). Another part is your own standards (they have to suit the occasion, arrive on time and be on sale). What is a need, what is a standard – and whose? This sorting is often the biggest relief, without a single task having been moved. How harsh the inner voice can be in this is the subject of self-compassion instead of self-criticism.
Negotiate instead of delegating. Delegating means: I stay responsible and hand over individual tasks. Negotiating means: a whole area changes owner, including anticipating and monitoring. «You’re in charge of the dentist» then also means: I don’t remind, I don’t check, I put up with the appointment being later than I would have made it. This letting go is the hardest part for many – and a matter of practice, not of character.
🟢 Tip: For one week, make a tally mark every time you think of something that someone else could have thought of too. Not to score points – but so that at the end of the week you have a picture instead of a feeling. A picture is something you can talk about.
Where coaching stops – and who is responsible then
Mental load is exhausting, but exhaustion has many causes. A few clear boundaries:
- A doctor, if the exhaustion has lasted for weeks, sleep no longer restores you, or physical symptoms appear. Tiredness also has physical causes that need to be checked.
- Psychotherapy or psychiatry, if tiredness and irritability are joined by loss of pleasure, hopelessness, feelings of worthlessness or thoughts of not wanting to be here any more. Then it is no longer «too much in my head» but possibly a depression – after a birth, also a postpartum depression. That is treatable, but not by coaching. In acute moments: 143 (Dargebotene Hand) or 144.
- Couples therapy, if the topic has been producing the same arguments for years. Coaching works with you on your part – the relationship itself then needs a different setting.
- For cycle-related mood dips, it is worth reading menstruation, emotions and relationships – and, for severe symptoms, seeing your gynaecologist. And how to tell exhaustion from something more serious is covered in the burnout early warning system.
Coaching does not replace treatment. It helps you see your pattern, clarify your standards and have a conversation that does not end in blame.
Conclusion
Mental load is not imagination and not an empty buzzword: there is research, there are numbers, and there is a price that shows up in exhaustion, resentment and relationship quality. It is not a question of diligence or laziness, but a pattern that two people maintain together – usually without noticing. That is the good news: what two people keep going, two people can also change. The first step: make the invisible visible.
Are you carrying too much in your head right now?
In coaching we make the list visible, separate your standards from genuine needs and practise the conversation in which you really hand something over – not just tasks, but responsibility.
Schedule a free introductory session now
Your progress is my joy.
